I was thinking the other day of the recent incidents of past All Blacks getting into a bit of trouble off the field. I Decided to put together an All Blacks team for Thunder Punt of AB’s that have pushed the boundaries a little in their extra curricular activities.
A pretty epic team if I don’t say so myself.
Prop: Tony Woodcock
Woodcock, arguably the greatest AB’s prop of all time is now a sheep and diary farmer. After helping a mate “kill some sheep” the roost was caught driving 3 times over the limit. To be 3 times over the driving limit for a bloke that size, and nick named the urinal because he sinks piss, it must have been one helluva session.
Hooker: Andrew Hore (Vice Captain)
Hore was very very close to being the skipper of this team. The Taranaki Mutt was convicted and fined $2500 for killing a fur seal, a protected species by shooting the poor fella.
Prop: Dillian Halaholo
This absolute sicko didn’t play for the All Blacks, or even make a super rugby team. But this Southland Stag front rower is a bad bad baaad boy and to bad to be left of the list. He got convicted for masturbating in a public place, not once, but twice. Both times it was in front of young girls. A police summary of facts says the first offending was on May 5 in the Countdown car park in Invercargill, when Halaholo parked his car beside another vehicle, containing 9- and 6-year-old girls, and began masturbating. Not really sure what to say here.
Lock – Robin Brooke
Robin Brooke made the headlines in 2010 for groping a teenager while on holiday in Fiji, and then assaulted her boyfriend. He was subsequently accused of having sex with a near-comatose teenager which lead to him losing his chance to captain the All Blacks. A complete sicko.
Lock: Ali Williams
Rack city bitch, rack rack city bitch
Former All Black Keith Robinson admitted hitting a man, and pelting him with bottles. The man was left unconscious and bleeding outside a hotel in Te Aroha as a result of the hiding. The Waikato hard man received 300 hours community service for incident.
Openside Flanker: Richie McCaw
Not known by a lot of people, Sir Richie was diagnosed with Kleptomania (Addicted to stealing) early in his rugby career. He is addicted to stealing the oppositions pill, and no matter what medication the opposing teams through at him, he continued to pick pocket the fuck out of them. We miss you Sir Richie.
Number 8: Sione Lauaki (RIP)
Sione was a menace on the field, but almost more of a menance off the field. A common characteristic of the Polynesian footy lads of not been able to handle their drink was the the main influencer in most of Lauaki’s rap sheet. This included Common assault / trashing a hotel / assault (again) and careless driving after rolling a car in Huntly.
Halfback: Aaron Smith
Some would call him a legend, most stupid. NZ’s #1 halfback got caught dogging a groupie in the Christchurch Airport disabled toilet while in AB’s uniiform. It had the Tiger Woods effect written all over it with a massive fall in form for Smith after the incident, however he has since come right.
First Five Eight: Aaron Cruden
Cruden makes the list for the heavy drinking session he went on that resulted in him missing the flight to Argentina and South Africa, and ultimatley lead to him losing the starting 10 spot to Beauden Barrett. The married, first choice first five was rumoured to of dogged both the girls pictured above while wearing a Manawatu Turbos bucket head costume.
Wing Zac Guildford (Captain)
Guildford was the obvious wing and skipper for the team. He has a number of off field incidents in his footy career, but the Rarotonga bender takes the cake. Zac Guildford walks into a bar naked and bleeding and assaults two men during an alcohol fuelled rampage in Rarotonga. Kelly Pick adds fuel to the fire when she claims Guildford sexually harassed her during his Cook Islands bender. Well played son, well played.
Second Five Eight: Dan Carter
Playing out of position to accommodate Cruds, the greatest back of all time DC makes the list for his recent conviction of drink driving. Carter was caught in Paris driving while being more than double the driving limit.
Centre: Marc Ellis
I’m moving this character to centre for this team. In 2005 Marc Ellis was convicted and fined $300 plus costs for having five Ecstasy tablets. I just rate that the roost was heading out for night out in AK and was planning on dropping 5 pingers. I would have done just about anything to get on that bender with Marc.
Wing: Doug Howlett
In 2007 Doug Howlett was arrested outside Heathrow Airport’s Hilton Hotel on suspicion of criminal damage to two cars following the All Blacks world cup, quarter-final loss. He had to cough up $26,000 for the damage and it was after running up a £12k bar tab at the Hotel bar. Fair to say it was one helluva hangover.
Fullback: Mils Muliaina
In 2002 Mils Muliaina urinated on other patrons in a Parnell bar and gets involved in a brawl resulting in a 2 match ban. Then a year later following the Auckland Blues Super 12 Final victory over the Canterbury Crusaders, Muliaina was involved in a brawl at Auckland’s Spy Bar, started when an intoxicated. He threw a glass at one of the bartenders. As a result Muliaina was left with a broken eye socket and dislocated nose.